In Retrospect

2012 was a significant year. As cliche as this sounds, this year was a real roller coaster ride for my family. We experienced the extremes, both the best of times and the worst. Life proved its ironies to us.

It was the year we welcomed Reese Natalie Smith, the newest, and by far the most adorable addition to our family. As the first granddaughter and niece, Reese's arrival was much anticipated. My rollie pollie of a niece was born on May 16th and since then has been just this big round fountain of youth and joy for every single person in the family, as well as for pretty much every friend who's had to listen to us gush and blab nonstop about her. Haha.

But while we gained a family member we unfortunately lost one, too. Dad passed away on October 24th due to a massive heart attack. He was 56, a stroke survivor for 9 years. Today, December 31st, would have been his 10th year. 

I've never told anyone, but I had always feared the day I'd lose one of my parents. And see them in a "box." Couldn't imagine how it would happen and how I/we'd manage while it was happening and what came after. Looking back now, I still can't believe we went through all that this year.   

So much has been said and done since, I don't know what else to say about it now at this point. Just, still, that we miss him most earnestly. He is remembered everyday, in every little thing we do. He was terribly missed at Christmas, and now, personally, I'm still trying to process what and how the new year will be like without him. It's never easy, but we're coping. Because no matter how terribly displacing this has been, it has also reminded us how truly blessed we still are.

I learned so much in 2012. This was the year I made my first "career change," which taught me that there's always something to pick up wherever it is that life takes you. It was the year I opened up to new opportunities and took concrete steps towards one of my biggest dreams in life, where I saw that anything is possible. This year I made new friends, reconnected with the old, and grew closer to a lot of them. This year re-affirmed to me that everything happens for a reason. And that we truly are the sum of our experiences, good and bad - and we only come out of the bad stronger and wiser.

One of the most notable life lessons I've picked up this year would probably be that no amount of planning will ever really prepare you for what's ahead. There's so much uncertainty in life but we soldier on. And sometimes, we learn to look forward to these uncertainties, because with them come the possibilities. Who knows what the new year will bring? Acora imparo, as Michelangelo said. 

This year hasn't been the best, but it has honestly restored my faith in humanity and the universe, my hope that things always work out and fall into place, and my love for friends and family, experience, and the world. 

Cheers to 2013!!!

Wishing you and yours only the best and greater things,

N

Instead of Sheep

I find something profoundly comforting and moving about my dad's 40th day falling on the 2nd day of the month of my favorite season. We miss him everyday, so terribly. Never felt it more strongly than over this past month. I think about him everyday and, in my head, replay my fondest conversations and memories with and of him.

The smallest things remind me of him - like once in the office as I was researching addresses of establishments in Tagaytay for a project, I came across a map of Batangas and remembered his many stories about his childhood in Balayan, and how affectionately he would remember and talk about it. I loved those stories of his. So many emotions welled up inside when I saw the map. I could only do so much to keep myself together and not breakdown in "public." Because how inconvenient would that be. Meanwhile, at home on another day, a weekend thankfully, I just suddenly felt the urge to go through his things. So I opened his closet and his drawers and saw his shoes, his watch, his cologne, notebooks, and stuff. Well, that did it for me. Felt a tad better after I'd let it out - it always does when I do, although I know the feeling of missing him will only get stronger eventually. But we'll cope.

They say the 40th day is when the soul enters heaven. I miss him a lot, but today I take comfort in believing that he's where he's supposed to be now, happy, and free. I just wish he'd show me - through a sign or in my dreams. Prayed for that today, now I wait.   

Last night I was playing classic Christmas tunes as I was waiting to fall asleep. That's one of the things I like most about Christmas, all the beautiful, nostalgic music. Those by Sinatra, Crosby, Cole, and the likes are the best ones. When we were younger, mom would play them very early in the morning so we would wake up, have breakfast, and get ready for school to them. I loved that. It's only one of the many memories and images of Christmas that have really stuck with me and endeared the season to me this much. Christmas is a happy time - the fact that it's spent largely with family and friends makes it all the more so. So although we miss dad a lot, there is still comfort and joy to be found, especially now.     

More recently, I remember talking to dad about this - classic Christmas music. We both liked the Sinatra and Crosby ones and I remember how we would get nostalgic together, talking about it. Now, he's one more reason I like listening to these songs. Keeps him close, and his memory alive.

Here's Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep by Bing Crosby. I'd like to believe that this is dad's own special message for us now. His way of showing us that everything's going to be ok, there's nothing to worry about.