Instead of Sheep

I find something profoundly comforting and moving about my dad's 40th day falling on the 2nd day of the month of my favorite season. We miss him everyday, so terribly. Never felt it more strongly than over this past month. I think about him everyday and, in my head, replay my fondest conversations and memories with and of him.

The smallest things remind me of him - like once in the office as I was researching addresses of establishments in Tagaytay for a project, I came across a map of Batangas and remembered his many stories about his childhood in Balayan, and how affectionately he would remember and talk about it. I loved those stories of his. So many emotions welled up inside when I saw the map. I could only do so much to keep myself together and not breakdown in "public." Because how inconvenient would that be. Meanwhile, at home on another day, a weekend thankfully, I just suddenly felt the urge to go through his things. So I opened his closet and his drawers and saw his shoes, his watch, his cologne, notebooks, and stuff. Well, that did it for me. Felt a tad better after I'd let it out - it always does when I do, although I know the feeling of missing him will only get stronger eventually. But we'll cope.

They say the 40th day is when the soul enters heaven. I miss him a lot, but today I take comfort in believing that he's where he's supposed to be now, happy, and free. I just wish he'd show me - through a sign or in my dreams. Prayed for that today, now I wait.   

Last night I was playing classic Christmas tunes as I was waiting to fall asleep. That's one of the things I like most about Christmas, all the beautiful, nostalgic music. Those by Sinatra, Crosby, Cole, and the likes are the best ones. When we were younger, mom would play them very early in the morning so we would wake up, have breakfast, and get ready for school to them. I loved that. It's only one of the many memories and images of Christmas that have really stuck with me and endeared the season to me this much. Christmas is a happy time - the fact that it's spent largely with family and friends makes it all the more so. So although we miss dad a lot, there is still comfort and joy to be found, especially now.     

More recently, I remember talking to dad about this - classic Christmas music. We both liked the Sinatra and Crosby ones and I remember how we would get nostalgic together, talking about it. Now, he's one more reason I like listening to these songs. Keeps him close, and his memory alive.

Here's Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep by Bing Crosby. I'd like to believe that this is dad's own special message for us now. His way of showing us that everything's going to be ok, there's nothing to worry about.